Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere

How do you tell if an accountant is an extrovert? If he looks at your shoes when he talks to you instead of his own.

Heat makes things expand.........
So I don't have weight problems......
I'm just hot

I don't understand people who don't recycle, why would you buy a bike and only ride it once''

Why did a golfer bring two pairs of pants?

In case he has a hole in one.

Grandma: Back in our days, you could buy bread, milk, soaps, spices, eggs, meat, all for a dollar.
Little Kid: You can’t do that now. They have CCTVs everywhere!

Cloud security

A man was bragging to his friend in church of how the wife loves him and carries his picture in her purse even if she doesn't have money. While the friend was still wishing how his wife could love him like his friend, the Pastor made an altar call for anyone who had a serious challenge to bring it to the Lord, the wife went in front with the husbands picture.''

Why do you always have to knock the refrigerator before opening it?

Incase the salad dressing

Three robbers robbed $3 million from the bank. They agreed to share equally while each in his heart wanted to get all the money. When they bought drinks, each poisoned the others' secretly. By the time they finished drinking they were all dead and left the money.''

If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife's birthday, just try forgetting it once.

Now I know Why some women do not watch soccer. they say "If I want see a bunch of guys struggle to SCORE for 90 minutes, I just go to my local bar."

What is a room with no walls? A mushroom.

"What do you call a person who is happy on Mondays?"
Unemployed.

Got a new job as a garbage man but there's no training .
The boss said I'll pick it up as I go.

What do you call aligator with an investment account.?

An investigator.

Where do bees like to go on vacation/?
Stingapore!

I have finally decided to do something about my weight.....
--Lie

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

"I'm not calling you, I'm calling the white girl." The story of cream started there.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

What do sheep wear to the beach?

A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?" God answers, "To me, it's about a minute." "God, how much is a million dollars?" "To me, it's a penny." God, may I have a penny?" "Wait a minute."

son : Dad, do you have any dreams you want to accomplish?
dad : I gave up on my dreams years ago kiddo, but let's focus on yours
son : oh, but how many years ago exactly did you give up?

dad : well how old are you?

What did the pig say to the Sun?
I’m Bacon!

A man is on the top of a mountain praying to God. As he prays, he suddenly hears a voice that says "jump". Terrified, the man looks around but doesn't see anyone. He then hears the voice again "jump, I will catch you". The man then gathers his courage and finally jumps off the mountain. As he falls, he sees a cloud that looks like a giant hand, and as he gets closer a giant hand really appears and catches him. The man then realizes that it was God who saved him and he thanks Him for it. God replies, "I didn't save you, the hand was just there to catch you."

I had a job interview at the city recycling centre
"Why should we hire you?" They asked.
"Have you seen my jokes posts?" I replied.

Parents who are not into sports are a disaster, my friend's mom always thought Dunkin' Donuts was a basket ball team."

Who was the fastest runner in the race? Adam, because he was the first in the human race.''

Sandy’s mum has four kids; North, West, East. What is the name of the fourth child? Sandy, obviously!

A man fell asleep as the Pastor was preaching in the church. The Pastor was raising funds for the building project. The Pastor said, '' All those who can sacrifice their houses for God, lift up your hands.'' The man woke up and saw his neighbour with a hand up and he lifted his also. When the Pastor said, 'drop your hands its okay we have recorded you. 'The man asked the neighbour what that was for, when he told him, he fainted.''

Q: What's the difference between love and marriage?
A: Love is blind. Marriage is an eye-opener.

I named my eraser Confidence
Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make

"Why did the bring two pairs of pants?"
In case he got a hole in one.

Every time I buy garbage bags, it feels like I am throwing money away"

Honey, if you could learn to cook and clean, we wouldn't need our household services."

The wife replied: "Sure. And if you could learn to satisfy me, we wouldn't need the gardener either."

Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.

" not sure if its on sale because of cyber monday"

Why did the silly girl \ud83d\udc67 put sugar under her pillow?

She wanted to have sweet dreams. \ud83d\ude02

What did Adam say when he was asked his favorite holiday? It's Christmas Eve."

What did the pig say on a hot day? I'm a bacon

Almost all footballers have 90% temper and 10% mental, they are temperamental"

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

I think weekends are made in China.

They don’t last very long.

What happens when you wear a watch on a plane?


Time flies.

If you can't laugh at yourself, call me. I'll be happy to laugh at you.''

Why do you call a sleeping cow???
A bull dozer

Recycling in the UK is getting very serious.....
Even our immigrants are being shipped in reusable containers.

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

Which superhero hits home runs? Batman!

The mice came up with a plan to put a bell around the cat's neck so that they hear when its coming. When it was time to do it, none was willing to do it.''

"He plays a freekick everytime he clicks on a dodgy link"

My gf told me she had a dream about me cheating.
It’s sweet of her to have dreams of me being happy.

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache...

Pharaoh's Daughter, she went to the bank of the Nile river and drew out a little Prophet."

Fleck (aka the Joker) did indeed suffer from P.B.A That said, however, Hollywood definitely embellished his presentation. For example, his hyperbolic ballet dance after a trauma would not seem to be explained solely or at all by P.B.A Additionally, while it would appear

Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store? She heard you could get thinner there.

Why don’t witches wear underwear?

Because they need a better grip.

Why dont cows have toes
Because they Lactose

"I wanted to become a professional wrestler, but I didn't believe in myself. So instead, I became a rock."

On the surface, the joke may seem like a nonsensical statement. After all, it's impossible for a person to become a rock. However, the punchline reveals a deeper meaning - that if you don't believe in yourself, you'll never be able to achieve your dreams.''

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish?

Swimming trunks.

your dreams

I always thought there is soccer in heaven, if there isn't... I'm not going."

I am not a photographer, but I can picture me and you together.

Why are avocados so great at herding sheep? A lot of them are shepards

Before I got married , I had six theories about raising children, now I have six children and no theories.''

People claim to be into recycling
but watch their faces as you rinse out a condom.

A deaf and dumb person was begging in the streets. A woman wanted to give him $10 but she had $50 and she asked the man besides her for change. The beggar shouted '' no madam, I keep change.''

If someone calls you 'ugly', have a good comeback and say 'excuse, me I'm not a mirror'"

I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it.

Why do birds fly south in the winter? It’s faster than walking!

Being financial healthy can be just lit.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

"someone stole it, cleaned it and sent it back"

I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid

How does Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

A couple on a date had a disagreement on something. A man suddenly stood up an shouted "I forgot my wallet". The woman calmed and started calling the man all sweet names."

A couple is on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing. He says, '' I forgot my wallet.''

A Pastor declared a 7days fasting and prayer for the church and said those that are on medication can eat their food, all the members went to see the Doctors and got prescriptions of 7 days. When members saw him eating he said am on medication for 7days, they also told him that they were on medication for 7days.

Recycling

There was once a man who went to a store and asked the cashier if they had any turtle food. The cashier replied, "Sorry sir, we don't carry turtle food." The man then asked, "Well, do you have any fast food?" The joke is funny because it shows the playful side of being slow in life.

Being slow can be both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, it allows us to appreciate the small things in life and take our time to enjoy them. On the other hand, it can make us feel left behind in a world that values speed and efficiency.

In today's society, everything seems to move at a rapid pace. We wake up early, rush through our morning routines, and spend our days in a constant state of busyness. We are so focused on accomplishing our goals and checking off our to-do lists that we often forget to slow down and enjoy the present moment.

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine".

CAROLINE RHEA

If I ride my bike twice... does that count as RE-CYCLING"

Q.why can"t you let a politician on a plane? A.Because he"ll keep trying to destroy the other wing

How do you know elephants like to travel?
Because they always pack their trunk.

Q: How do you get a dog to stop barking in the front seat?
A: Put him in the back seat.

I am currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.

The man was given a role where he was paid to sleep.
It was his dream job.

What do you call a guy who’s really loud? Mike.

If you can not laugh at yourself,call me I will be happy to laugh at you.

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?

I want you inside me.

What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener!

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?"

Because every play has a cast.

What do you call a fake Noodle?
An impasta!

How do you teach a chicken?
You give it a lot of EGG SAMPLES

"if you didnt open the attachment how i know its dangerous"

Question : '' What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?''
Answer: 'Your mother ate us out of the house and home.''

Most people claim they support recycling, but they sure get mad when someone reposts a joke"

Recycling

What is the best day of the week to go to the beach?

SUN-DAY