What did the baby corn say to its mom?
Where’s my popcorn?

Can February March? No, but April May!

...and Saint Peter said to the first, “Please tell me your name, your occupation, and where you lived during most of your mortal life”

The first man replied, saying, “Kitso Jones, Taxi Driver, Gaborone Botswana.”

Saint Peter said, “Oh yes, now take your silk robe and golden staff and enter the holy gates of the Silver City!”

Kitso then said, “Aw nice one geezer, cheers!” and walked through the golden gates.

Saint Peter then said, “And who might you be?” to the second man.

The man said, “I am Pastor Tshenolo Buka, the major priest for Bible Life Ministry for the last 43 years.”

Saint Peter replied with, “Thank you, servant of the LORD, you may take your cotton robes and wooden staff and walk through the pearly gates of Heaven!”

The man, outraged, said, “Hold on a minute Peter, why did that taxi driver get silk robes and a golden staff and I, worshipper of the LORD’s holy name, only get a wooden staff? Does he even believe in the trinity?”

Saint Peter replied, “I understand your confusion, young soul, but up here we reward based off of results! See when you preached, people slept, but when he drove, people prayed!”

Hustle in silence and let your success make the noise.”

Two men are on opposite sides of the river. The first man shouts, “How do I get to the other side of the river?” The other man yells, “You ARE on the other side of the river.”

Eskom takes our power to even talk.

Why did an old man fall in a well?
Because he couldn’t see that well!

What's one way we know the ocean is friendly?

It waves.

Where will petrol of your relationship take you too, will it reach valentine's day.

“Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire. That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.”

A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?”
The man says “I’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!”

Time is like a river flow which you cannot touch the same water more than once. Live like there is no tomorrow and enjoy every moment of your life.

She was asked what time lunch is and complaint that she is hungry only to realise that she on a fast.

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday#2
Monday#3
Monday#4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

"A!man!walking!down!the!streets!sees!another!man!with!a!very!big!dog.!!One!man!says
to!the!other,!"Does!your!dog!bite",!the!man!replies!"No!my!dog!doesn't"!The!man!pats!the!dog!
and!has!his!hand!bitten!off,!"I!thought!you said!your!dog!didn't!bite"!said!the!injured!man.!
"Thats!not!my!dog",!replied!the!other"

What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me

Knock, knock, who's there?

Abby , Abby who? Abby New year.

What kind of tea is hard to swallow ?

Patient:!"Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a pair of curtains."
Doctor:!"Pull yourself together man."

Every once in a while someone amazing comes into your life

and here I am, You are welcome

Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk, Then you spend the next sixteen years telling them to sit down and shut up!

Yo Mama so small her best friend is an ant.

What do Dentist call their x-rays?
Tooth Pics!!

What do you call an Ant that fights crime?
VigilAnt

What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?

Answer: A father-in-law.

My Saturday was going pretty well until i realized it is Sunday.

I went to a Restaurant, It was full. There was no place to sit and the Waiter was over 30 minutes. I took out my cell phone and placed it to my Ear and said loudly ''Hey get over here! He is here with someone else!'' Six couples got up and quickly left.

I'm going to stand outside so if anyone asks I am outstanding.

How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.

– Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher told them that it was a piece of cake.

A!white!horse!walked!into!a!pub!and!ordered!a!lager.!!The!landlord!put!the!drink!on!
the!bar!and!said!'We've!got!a!whisky!named!after!you'.!!The!horse!replied!'what,!Eric?'."

Do you think February can March?

not sure but I think April may.

I was sleeping in a church on Sunday when suddenly I heard ''....stand up''.so I stood up and everyone clapped hands and then the Pastor said ,''So who else will join our generous Sister in giving us 2 Million? I just Fainted

An arab student studying in Germany contacts his father saying "I feel ashamed that I come to college on a Lexus and the Doctors who teach me come by train".

His father sends him a check with 100 million $ and a note saying "here go buy yourself a train and don't embarrass us with the Germans"

What do you give a sick lemon?
A:Lemon-aid

Why are frogs always so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.

Husband approaches his wife, “Jenny, I think I have a problem.”

Jenny smiles at him kindly, “Darling, your problems are my problem also. Trouble shared is trouble halved. Tell me.”

“OK, “ says the husband, “in that case, we got the neighbor pregnant.”

What do you call a female police officer playing a guiter?
Answer: She-riff

I went to the doctors the other day and [whilst raising my hand in the air] i say "doctor it hurts when I do this"
The doctor replies "Well don't do it then"

Two!cannibals!are!sitting!around!eating!a!clown.!One!clown!says!to!the!other,!"Does!this!taste!funny!to!you?"

"The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved."

Why is six afraid of seven ?
Because Seven ate nine.

“If you talk about yourself, he’ll think
you’re boring; if you talk about others,
he’ll think you’re a gossip; if you talk
about him, he’ll think you’re a brilliant
conversationalist.”—

What did the policeman say to his hungry stomach? “Freeze. You’re under a vest.”

Where do polar bears vote?
At the North Pole

What has four wheels and flies?
A trash truck

A guy goes to a party; the bouncer stops him. "No tie, no entry." He walks back to his car to find a tie. All he found were jumper cables so he puts them around his neck like a tie. He goes back and says "How's this?" The bouncer says "I'll let you in, but don't start anything."

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."

Q. Why should we be encouraged by the story of Jonah and the whale?A. Because Jonah was down in the mouth, but came out all right. Q. When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible?A. When Noah took Ham into the ark. Q. On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?A. Quackers. Q. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?A. Because they were using "fowl" language.Q: How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman? A: By his net income.

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A Maybe.

i am still looking a for a marriage certificate expiry date. please someone help me

“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

HELLOW MONDAY, CAN I ASK A QUESTION ? WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS BACK SO QUICKLY?

DO YOU NOT HAVE A HOBBY?

"I tried to find an expiry date on my marriage certificate, I cant find it"

The confusion between current balance and available balance has started.

“They come to us all. But when you speak them out loud, you give them life. That's when they become a reality. Just do away with them and stay the course.”

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”

Its dark outside, its loadshedding black out

Give your all to help pave a way to your destination. Invite God to take control. No short cuts will allow freedom. Do not give in, keep pushing.

Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat.

'' Network service providers say, they have free minutes but I have bought them. So someone can not ask for free minutes from me''

Hippo was a great motivational speaker. Hippo taught that you must never give up. Hippo didn’t follow his own advice.
Hippo Quit

"Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained."

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve.

Middle age is when you're forced to.

What could have caused 2022 to be blurry?

Probably your resolution must have been too low.

''Concentrate all your thoughts upon the work in hand. The sun's rays do not burn until brought to a focus.''

"Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in. Just maintain a positive mindset."

“People always think that the most painful thing in life is losing the one you value. The truth is, the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone too much and forgetting that you are special too. Know your worth, hold your own power, be you.”

What did the grape do when it got stepped on? It let out a little wine.

Me: Hey, bro, you alright?

Cousin: (hissing.) Dammit man! I just found out about that damn karma stuff!

Me: (Inwardly laughing.) Awww yea. … What happened, bro?”

Cousin: Mannn . . . (pause) I stole some Gatorade and a Snickers candy bar from the corner store. And . . . and an hour later . . . I lost my damn car keys, bro!

Me: Nahhh . . .?

Cousin: Would you believe it, bro . . . that damn Gatorade and Snickers cost me over a hundred bucks! FML!”

This is to say, get rid of the spirit of ignorance which might make you lose what you value most, to greediness you allowed to control your state of mind.

When somebody has done the damage already...

Me as a kid: I can't wait until I'm an adult and nobody can tell me what to do.

Me as an adult: Someone please tell me what to do...

What's your Why? why are you doing what you are doing?

''Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.''

You either go big or you go home

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

The power of positive thinking is strong. It isn’t limited to your words or actions but can also affect those around you.

It doesn't take a magic to achieve your goals. It needs you.

''Your God, my God, will always and forever bring good out of the bad events or circumstances of our lives. This is when we must trust God and not lean on our own ...''

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Everything is up to you.

Put the positive thoughts first. What if it works?

I think we should swap the weekend days

Because Sundays are definitely sadder days.

You are damned and praised, or encouraged or discouraged by those who listen to you, and those who come to applaud you. And to me, those people are very important.

Plan and believe, dream and act, you'll accomplish great things.

God's timing is always the best. Be patient and trust the process.

Life gets tough, but just remember: You can handle anything. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?'

The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.'

The first two guys were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked.

She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'

Wednesday's child is full of woe.

The said, don’t give up on your dreams. So I went back to sleep.

Once you decide to take your power back, all the challenges starts to lose their power.

On Thursday, Harry went to his doctor to review his test results. The doctor informed him that he had good news and bad news. “Good news is you have 48 hours to live,” he said to Harry. “Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

'Every day the clock resets. Your wins don't matter. Your failures don't matter. Don't stress on what was, fight for what could be.'

Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays.

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman: Every time you smile ,I feel like inviting you to my place .
Man: Awwww…. ! Are you a single ?
Woman: No, I am a Dentist. \ud83d\ude02\ud83d\ude02\ud83d\ude04\ud83d\ude04

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

Samson. He brought the house down.

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.

If you want to kill something, Kill demon inside you.